For memories' sake

Look at that cute boy! It's hard to remember him that little! This is a post to remember a few funny things that Asher is saying right now:

-He calls M&Ms "eminees"

-He came up to me the other day and asked, "What are you doing, donk?" ??
-He loves the phrase, "We gotta be careful because it's dangerous" He actually says all of those words. I wish I could put how he says it because that's the cutest part.
-He was watching "Aladin" and toward the end he came up to me, hugged me, and said something about a prince. I soon realized that he had just seen the part where the Genie hugged Aladin and said, "You'll always be a prince to me." Asher got all embarrassed and ran off.
-When he's going #2 and it doesn't come out right away he yells, "Come out, poo poo!" Then when it's out and he gets off the toilet, he looks in and says, "Wotsa wotsa poo poo!" (trans: lots and lots of poo poo). Then when we flush it down he says, "Bye bye, poo poo!"
-He says "My" instead of "I". ex: "My hungry" "My wanna watch "Monsters Inc."
-Every night before bed he has to have a battle with me about who's the best.
-When he's in time out he gives himself the talk about stopping screaming and yelling and how it's not nice and that he should be obedient.
-He calls Lena "Weena"
-He pronounces "sandwhich" like "fannich".
-He is getting better at saying "toothbrush", but not too long ago he was pronouncing it "pootrush".

I know there are more but that's good for now. He's becoming quite the character. It's fun!

The Polar Express

When Brandi's (my best friend) grandma came to visit her and her family she bought tickets for all of them to ride the Polar Express. Every year the Heber Creeper turns their train into the Polar Express for the kids. They ended up having an extra ticket so I was able to tag along.

Asher loved the train! And yes, that is me out in the freezing cold without anything covering Carolina. I'm a terrible mother! (Actually we just ran outside for a quick picture with the train.)
This was after we got settled down. Both of my kids were throwing fits when we first boarded the train.

It was really fun though! All the kids wore their jammies. There were little elves dancing and singing up and down the aisles. They would come and talk to the kids and ask them what they wanted for Christmas. We also got hot chocolate and cookies.
This picture is of us and Brandi's brother, Justin, and dad, Dave... my second family. Oh, and an elf!

Then, after we got to the "North Pole", Santa boarded the train and visited each child to give them a bell. Below is Brandi's daughter, Camri, and Asher with Santa.

Asher loved the bells! That was his favorite part. Santa gave him two, one for Lena, but now Asher has two bells. He now insists on sleeping with them in his bed. I guess the upside is that it has helped him get past his need to sleep with his collection of rocks. Kids!

Las Vegas

Last month Josh's mom came to Las Vegas to visit her parents. Whenever she comes we try to get down there to visit. We were able to go at the same time as Heather (Josh's sister) and her family. It was great to see family and to get away for a weekend.

We went to the Ethel M. chocolate factory for a tour. It was a shorter tour than we thought but we got to sample some chocolate. We couldn't believe how expensive the chocolate was. But it was really really good!!

As you can see, Asher enjoyed it too!

We also visited a Bass Pro Shop to see this big aquarium tank. Periodically they have mermaids swim in it, but we didn't get to see them. But we did see this huge stingray. I love how small Asher looks in this picture.

We ate breakfast at a McDonald's that had a fun play area. It said it was for parents too, so Josh and Jason had fun playing with the kids. If you look closely you can see that Josh is pulling Asher across those rolly thingies. I am slowly collecting pictures of Josh and Jason "watching the kids" while really playing themselves. :o)

Four generations. Great Grandma Tucker (& Great Grandpa Tucker), Grandma Terry, Josh, and then Asher & Lena

The whole gang before leaving to come back home.

It was great to be able to see Josh's mom and grandparents. We only see them once or twice a year. And it was their first time meeting Carolina, so that was fun too!

I miss my husband!

Josh would probably get after me for posting this picture. But I think it's funny! Josh has been working so much lately. I barely see him! He has been working at least 12 hour days, sometimes more. A couple weeks ago he worked almost 70 hours in one week!! There are days when he leaves at 5:30 am and doesn't get home till close to 8 pm. His work had to lay off a bunch of employees a few months ago and now work is picking back up. But they don't want to hire a lot of people back on prematurely, so the ones that are still there have been working a ton to get caught up. The overtime is a blessing, but sometimes I'd rather have him home. That's worth more than money. It's hard because I want him home to spend time with us! It's also hard not having a break from the kids aaalllllllll ddddaaaaayyyyy lllllooooonnnnnngggg!!!! Anyway, I just needed to vent a little.

Tail?

I thought this was hilarious! I thought I'd share it with all of you to hopefully give you a little chuckle.

Precursor: Although Asher is potty trained, he still wears pull-ups while he is sleeping. (The drawbacks of potty training early; it takes longer for them to cut out the nighttime peeing.) And he has started saying "my" instead of "I." For example, instead of saying, "I'm jumping!" he says, "My jumping!" On to the story...

Yesterday Asher woke up from his nap and came in to me and said something about a tail. I said, "You have a tail?" and he answered "Yes!" and turned his bum toward me. I didn't know what he was talking about. He kept smiling and laughing saying that he had a tail. I asked him where his tail was and he kept turning his little bottom toward me. I also asked him if he had a dream about having a tail and didn't really get a response. So, a few minutes later I was taking off his pull-up to put his underwear on and I noticed a small piece of poop in his pull-up and some still stuck in his little crack.

I said "Oh, is this your tail?" and smilingly he answered, "Yes! My have a tail!" Haha!

Thinking

This might be a long post. For those of you who read my blog, I will not be sad if you choose not to read it, or the whole thing. I want to start blogging more about my feelings instead of just events... even if just for my benefit.

I have been thinking the last few weeks about me. Haha, that sounds extremely arrogant! I have been thinking about the person that I am, and the person that I want to be, and how they compare. I have been thinking about the things I admire in others and how I can adopt those characteristics. I have also been reading "Glimpses", the book about Sister Hinckley. For those of you who have not read it, I highly recommend it. It is very inspiring, not just as an LDS book, but a book about a woman who was caring, thoughtful, comfortable, and compassionate. She is someone I think we can all look to as an example.

I have been thinking about the things in my life that I feel are crutches, things that I think I need to be happy. I find myself having thoughts like, "Oh, I'll feel so much better when we have a bigger house." "I will invite people over when I can get cuter decorations up in our home." "I would feel so much better about myself if I had some cuter, more updated clothes." etc. etc. While reading "Glimpses" and through my own pondering, I have come to realize that I want to be content with the person that I am. I want to embrace the talents that I do have, and accept the fact that I can't do everything. There are just some things that I do not have a knack for. And maybe someday I can learn some of those things, but there is a time and a season for everything. Sister Hinckley was so comfortable with herself. In the book it talks about a time when she had just finished giving a talk to an audience and Pres. Hinckley says something about her having them in the palm of her hand and how she was just herself. She laughed at him and said, "I didn't know who else to be." That was so profound to me. I spend too much time worrying about the things that I am not. I want to spend more time being the person that I am. And know that I am consistently trying to be better, but not worry about what others think.

I also want to be the type of person that helps others to feel loved. I do not want to have any ill thoughts or feelings toward anyone. And I want for every person that I am around to walk away feeling that I care for and love them. I want to have unconditional acceptance of and love for everyone. And part of that is becoming a better, more intent listener. I am not a very good listener.

I have also been facing the fact that I am clinically depressed. I have assumed that I was ever since I was about 16 and started showing the symptoms. But I have now been officially diagnosed. I am learning and coming to accept the fact that it is not anything I did wrong, or do wrong. This is something that is genetic and is not something that I can completely control. In the past, I have felt very weak, like I just wasn't strong enough to deal with life. And even now that I know more of what is going on, I still have a hard time not feeling that way. I tend to be very hard on myself. But I am grateful for the knowledge that I have gained. And I feel hopeful that I can now move forward and take steps to help me feel better.

Because of the chemical disorder and the way that the hormones affect my body I am coming to terms with the fact that we probably won't have any more children. It is very difficult on my body. Not physically. Physical pain, to me, is definitely worth having more children. But emotional pain is different. I do not believe it is worth it to have more children if I am not able to handle it emotionally. Pregnancy makes every woman's hormones go crazy. But for me, it takes a very long time to get them back to normal. During that time, life becomes so difficult that I can barely function most of the time. It has been very difficult for me to feel that I am a good LDS woman if I don't have a lot of children. That is something I have been trying to face and move past. I still have a long way to go. But I am forever grateful for the two beautiful, sweet children that I do have. And I am forever grateful for a supportive and loving husband. I think there are not many who would be strong enough to endure this, who would not feel the need to quit and walk away. He is everything I could ever want and need, and so much more.

I struggle with many feelings of inadequacy and weakness. I struggle with feeling that God loves me, or that anyone loves me at times. But in my heart, I cannot ever deny it. I know that I am loved. I am grateful for the basic foundation that I was raised with, and for the experiences that have strengthened my testimony of our Heavenly Father's love and the ability of our Savior to carry our burdens. Although I feel it is a simple testimony, I am grateful for the knowledge that I can build on it and become stronger in my conviction.

I have many things to work on to become the person that I would like to be. But it is nice having that vision in front of me, and to have a goal to work toward. I can't imagine what it would be like feeling that this life had no meaning, that we were not going anywhere. Isn't it wonderful to have the knowledge that we can continually progress?

Ok, I think I'm finished... for now. :o)

Updates!

I am not the best blogger. I go in and out of liking it. We'll see how the future goes. I'm not making any promises. :o) Here are a few posts to show what we've been up to since Lena was born. I just realize that I didn't put them in chronological order. Oh well!

First, we had Lena blessed on Oct. 11, the same day Asher turned 2. We decided to have one big celebration for both events.

Not the best picture, but it adequately shows how big Lena is getting. Born at 7 lbs. 4 oz. and 19 1/2 in., she was average size. By her two month check-up she was 11 lbs. 7 oz. and 24 in. long. She grew 4 1/2 inches in 2 months!! Her cheeks are the best!

My beautiful mother with my beautiful daughter. I love this picture!

Asher's birthday cake! Monkeys on the bed! And some fell off. :o)

Asher wasn't quite sure what was going on when we all broke out into "Happy Birthday!"

But he soon picked up on what was going on! :o)

It was a wonderful day!!

Baby Shower

I did a cake for my best friend, Brandi's baby shower, about 3 weeks after having Lena. That was a task! But here are a couple pictures of that cake. They are a cowboyish family, so it was fun to play with that!

If you can't read the piping, it says "Lil' Cowboy Sawyer" Cute name, huh?

Kids

First smile caught on camera. But certainly not the last. Lena is the most smiley, happy baby I have ever seen! What a sweetheart!

And here are some of my favorite pictures from a shoot with my aunt, Jenn, when Lena was about 2 weeks old.

I just want to gobble them up! Lena has starting sleeping 7-8 hours a night. Yay! Her top canines have already started moving down. Eek! Hopefully they won't come completely through for a while. She is such a precious, special girl! And I just can't get enough of her! Asher has definitely reached the age of 2. Goodness! But he is sure cracking us up with what he saying and doing. I'll save that for another post though.

Midway

The weekend of Fall Break, my family went up to a time share my parents have. It was a weekend of games, movies, laughter, food, and fun! I also went golfing for the first time. Sadly, we don't have any pictures of that. But we have a bunch of others ...

Some beautiful scenery shot by my sister, Kayla.

Asher feeding ducks with aunts, Kayla and Erica.

Just hanging out.

And utter relaxation!

A litte more info...

As promised, here are a couple more pictures of our newest family member, and a little more info. on how everything went.

I'll give you the short version. :o) I started having regular contractions about 10:30 Saturday morning. They started to get more intense about 9 that night. We went to the hospital at 2:30 am when I started to get really uncomfortable. I was hooked up to the monitor about 2:45 am and had Lena at 3:52 am. It was nuts!

The nurse kept asking if I wanted the epidural, but I kept holding off, even though I really really wanted it, because I really wanted to have her naturally. I was only dilated to a 4 when the nurse first checked. But every time she checked again I was another 2 centimeters. By the time I was at an 8, the nurse said "K, I'm going to step out for a minute. If you feel like you have to push, let me know." Well, the second she walked out I needed to push. But there wasn't time to let her know, because the feeling was so intense I couldn't do anything but push. So, I pushed for one contraction, the nurse came back in, and I got another contraction and pushed once for the head and again for the shoulders and Lena was here. It was so fast that my doctor didn't make it, and my mom and Josh barely knew what was going on. Josh's focus was mainly on me, and then he looked down and said, "There's the head!"

So, it was fast! And I did it natural! And it was great! The recovery has been 1000 times better than with Asher. I was up and walking around easily a few hours later. It was the most intense couple hours of my life, but I will totally do it again because of how quickly it went and how great I feel. So there's a little of the story.

Here are a couple pictures. Asher loves his baby sister!

And Lena is already so much like Asher. Asher used to love hanging upside down, even as a newborn. Look at how her top lip just hangs there. It's like a dish! Haha! Just like mommy's and Asher's.

Our little Lena.

P.S. We are pronouncing Carolina like CaroLEEna. We didn't like any other spelling so we kept it the normal way, we'll just have to correct people. But I thought I'd let you in on that, if you hadn't figure it out already. :o)

Our Baby Girl!

Our baby girl is here:

Carolina "Lena" Eve was born Sunday morning at 3:52 am.
She came in at 7 lbs. 4 oz. and 19 1/2 in.
She looks so much like Asher when he was born. Her cheeks are a lot chubbier though!
Everything went great! She came super fast. We're home now and doing fantastic!
Here are a few pictures. We'll get some more pictures and info. on soon!

Cake!

I decided to start making cakes for every event coming up so that I can start getting practice. This is one I made for our 4th of July celebrations.

In my experimenting, I realized that using the type of frosting I was trying to use was not going to work. It was way too soft, hence the bumpiness. Because it was getting to be so late, and us needing to get to my parents' house, I just started throwing decorations on. So, don't look too closely. :o) But it was intended to be a learning experience, and that's what it was.

This cake I made for my baby shower last Saturday. It was a little bit more of a success, although it definitely could use some improvement. It's great because each cake I do I realize more things I can be doing differently and better.

As stressful as it is, trying to finish the cakes on time and get them right, it is fun and I really enjoy doing it. It makes me happy and is quickly becoming a passion.

4th of July

We are not so good at taking pictures, I've just realized. We got home from our Independence Day celebrations and saw that we only had a couple pictures total, none with me in them at all. We are determined to do better.

We spent our celebrations at the Arts festival on Friday and at the balloons and parade on Saturday. We also spent Saturday evening with my side of the family enjoying food, games, and fireworks. All in all, it was a great celebration!