I always complain that women in the LDS Church do not communicate their true feelings. I feel like a lot goes unsaid, and a lot of women silently suffer because they feel that they should be acting a certain way. It is ironic that I am one of those women. I tend to bottle up my feelings and put on a brave face for others around me, most of the time. I let my true feelings show to a certain few people. And to those people, I apologize, because when I need to vent it all comes out on them.
In an effort to be more open, I am going to go out of my comfort zone to express some of the feelings that I keep bottled inside. You do not have to keep reading. :o)
I have battled with depression every since I was about 16. It comes and goes. I am also a people-pleaser and because of that I feel a lot of guilt because of things I did, or did not do. I have been having a hard time with life ever since Asher was a few months old, battling with my emotional health, and feeling like I don't know who I am anymore. I know that a lot of mothers go through this, at least that's what I keep hearing. But it doesn't take away from the fact that it is miserable and lonely! I go back and forth quite a bit, feeling happy, then feeling hopeless. It is difficult on Josh, too. And there's the guilt again, feeling horrible for putting him through this. And through it all, I have a really hard time feeling like I have any faith anymore. I find myself doing a lot of questioning of my beliefs. I feel conflicted between what I have been taught to feel and what I really do feel.
And I worry! Mostly about what this is doing to my marriage, and the example I am setting for Asher. I desperately want to change before Asher can learn from this terrible example. I do not want him to learn these tendencies and habits. And add to that another child. I feel bad that sometimes this pregnancy makes me feel trapped, like there's not hope for me to come out of this, especially after the life of having two children will set in.
After dealing with this for a year, Josh and I are finally realizing that we need to do something about it. We are taking steps to get me into therapy and to nurture our marriage a little more. It is difficult because when it's good, it's fine. But when it's bad, it's horrible, consuming to the point where I can't imagine it ever getting better and I just want to run away so that I do not drag Josh through this. There is so much more... but for those of you who are reading this, I'll stop now.
For those of you who do feel, or ever have felt, like this, I would say that you're not alone. And for those of you who think I'm nuts and don't understand what I am feeling at all, I admire you and hope that things will stay the same for you. If I can ask for your prayers... we would really appreciate it. The Terry family is finding itself in a difficult place right now. Hopefully, if we can exert enough faith, it will get better. It is just summoning that faith that is very difficult for me sometimes. I feel very alone most of the time. Anyway... I apologize that this is so depressing. I just thought it might be nice to get some of this out so that I do not have to pretend all the time. It's exhausting!
