New and Improved blog. New and Improved me. I have decided to try this blogging thing again, and do it more for me than for anyone else this time. I admire those who can be so open with their experiences and feelings. I tend to hide what I am really feeling, put up a front, a mask. But I am going to try to be more open. Very honestly, the last few months have been very trying. But I feel that I am at the tail end of the trial and am grateful to be on the other side of it. I am grateful for a wonderful, loving husband who has not judged or gotten angry with me, who humbly seeks to find ways that he can help the situation (even when I adamantly explain that it is just me), and who continually praises me for my progress and expresses love to me. I could not ask for more in a husband. And I am grateful to all who were willing to listen time and time again.
This time of trial has been a time of reflection for me. I realized a lot about myself. The greatest thing that I realized is that my most important role is in my home. I also realized that this is different for every woman. Just because I received this answer, does not mean that every other mother will. I realized how important it is to me to have a comfortable, clean, yummy smelling home environment. I realized how important it is for me to keep up my housework and to help Josh in all that he does in school and work to provide this life for me and for Asher. I realized that I am talented and creative and intelligent and can use all of that to raise my children to be wonderful people, and can use that to help my husband to be successful in his career.
I am not always confident. There are many times of self doubt, frustration with myself. I am human. But I also have the potential to be a Goddess, along side my husband. This life is wonderful! It is difficult! But it is wonderful! I am grateful for women who are strong and keep on keepin' on!
One of the most poignant realizations that I had was that I have control over my life. I am taking a class right now that is based around Dr. Stephen Covey's book "7 Habits for Highly Effective People." I strongly encourage everyone to take the time to take that class. It is offered at UVU! It is wonderful and definitely worth it! This class has helped me to wake up and understand that I can take responsibility for my own happiness. We do not have to be angry, hurt, frustrated, helpless, walked on, etc. We do not always have control over what happens to us, but we have control over the way we respond to what happens to us. What a wonderful concept to implement into our lives.
I know this is a long post, but I want to share one more thing. I believe that this conept has the power to transform any relationship. Josh and I love it! This is an exerpt from Habit 1: Be Proactive. Dr. Covey shares this experience:
"At one semniar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said, 'Stephen, I like what you're saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I'm really worried. My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can I do?'
"'The feeling isn't there anymore?' I said.
"'That's right,' he reaffirmed. 'And we have three children we're really concerned about. What do you suggest?'
"'Love her,' I replied.
"'I told you, the feeling just isn't there anymore.'
"'Love her.'
"'You don't understand. The feeling of love just isn't there.'
"'Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her.'
"'But how do you love when you don't love?'
"'My friend, love is a verb. Love-the feeling-is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?'
* * * * *
"In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They're driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsiblity and empowered them to do so.
"Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a vlaue that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured."
I just wanted to share that with everyone, I loved it soooo much! Life is hard and frustrating, mundane, routine, and monotonous, but it is also full of wonderful and exciting moments. We, I especially, need to live for the good moments, and have faith that when hard moments come, it is just another bridge we need to cross to find the next good moment!
An event from last week has forced me into self- reflection. This event was hurtful and made me realize that I still have a long way to go. But as I think about it, and try not to think about it, I am ashamed to say that I find myself wanting to show that I am hurt around this person so that there is no way that they do not know how much they hurt my feelings. This feeling probably stems from a lifetime of learning to play the victim. I have had to fight myself to not act this way. This experience has been a big reminder to me of how "young [I] am spiritually", to put it in the words of Elder Maxwell. But I am grateful for these reminders because it shows how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I recently heard it said that we should not get upset when people point out our faults because it means that they have not given up on us yet. Isn't that true of Father? He will never give up on us, how comforting that is. It is so difficult for me to punish Asher when trying to teach him obedience. I cannot imagine the hurt it causes Father to have to gently, and sometimes not so gently, remind us of our weaknesses. But as we read in Ether 12, He "gives" us our weaknesses, just like he gives us blessings. They are for a specific purpose, and I take comfort in that as well. Can you imagine life if we were not reminded of our shortcomings? We would have no desire to be better. What a generous and loving Father. So at this Thanksgiving time, I am grateful for reminders of our weaknesses and for the infinite love from our Father!!
