The Terrys: Depth

17 July 2010

Depth

Josh is in the other room reading to Asher before bed. As I wait for him to finish I find myself thinking about thinking. I worry sometimes that I have lost my depth. I read posts and thoughts from others and find myself wondering why I don't post more personal thoughts and feelings. I do every now and then, but that is basically when I am having a meltdown and I need to vent somewhere.

I wonder if I allow myself to get so caught up in the day to day routine that I don't spend much time thinking like I used to. I know I am a thinker. I always have been, sometimes to a fault. But I don't express it like I used to. There is so much else crowding my mind.

But when it really comes down to it, my blog is much the way I am around most people... it rarely ventures past the surface things. Why do I feel myself putting up a face so often? I can't remember back to a time when I wasn't this way. It has nothing to do with others, it's just me. Maybe it started when I found myself battling the depression. When I am there it is hard to express it to anyone that I am not extremely close to. And for those few I do feel are close enough I apologize because they usually get the brunt of it!

I want to say that I'm going to make my blog more personal, but I can't promise anything. Every time I say that I eventually get away from it. I want to be more cultured. I want to have my own ideas, to stop reading others' ideas and wishing they were my own. I want to have more of an opinion. I want to feel like I am somebody in this great, big world.

1 comment:

Rachel Dean-Dastrup said...: It's easier to see others talents than it is to see our own. As I read that, I thought, WHAT?! She must not know that I read her blog and always love it. You do have depth Ms. Amber. But it's you looking into yourself... that's why you don't always see it.; July 19, 2010 at 10:00 AM

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Precious Moments

10.31.10 - As I was trying to get Asher to go into Nursery today he kept saying, "Mom, this is not a good deal. I don't think this is a very good deal."
10.31.10 - Asher woke up from a nap today, walked into the kitchen where Josh was doing dishes, was completely quiet and then said, "Dad, I need to text you sumpsing (something)."
9.5.10 - Asher walked in while I was getting ready for church this mornning and, without being prompted, said, "You look pretty mom!"
8.20.10 - Josh: "Asher, I sure love you!" Asher: "I love you too, daddy! You're my great enemy."
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8.1.10 - "My bum is KILLING me!" Asher, after us asking why he was screaming in the backseat while driving home from Wyoming.
7.28.10 - Me (getting after Asher): "Asher are you even listening to me?" Asher: "Yeeeeeees" Me: "Then what did I say?" Asher: [pause] ... "Lots!"
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6.2.10 - I'm going to start putting dates on these. I just think this is so funny! Asher calls muffins "nuffins." "Mom, where's my nuffin?" Haha!
While playing with stickers, I showed Asher one with a praying mantis on it and asked, "What's this?" Asher replied, "a pretty mantis."
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When Asher woke up a few mornings ago I asked him if he had had any dreams. He said yes, so I asked him what his dream was about. His reply, "I dream about Jesus."
The other night, as I was putting Asher in bed, he took my face in his hands, pulled me toward him for a kiss and said "Mom, eh bess!" which translated means "Mom, you're the best!" It is exciting for him to be saying those things voluntarily!
Asher was playing at the play area in the University Mall when he saw another little kid walking around with a bowl of goldfish. I looked over as Asher was picking one up off the ground. I was afraid he was going to pop it right in his mouth like I assume most kids would do. Instead he tried to hand it back to the little boy. The boy didn't take it so Asher stepped toward him and put it right back in his bowl. He's such a sweetheart!
A couple weeks ago when I went in to get Asher up from a nap he said "Mama?" and I said "What?" He then looked around like he was thinking and then looked back at me and said "Hi!" It made my day!
At Thanksgiving dinner with Josh's side of the family, I started choking while eating my food. Asher looked at me and then grabbed his cup of water and handed it to me. It was incredibly thoughtful for a 1 year old.