Motivation

I am going to go completely out of my comfort zone and talk about something that I feel very ashamed to talk about. I am having a very difficult time finding motivation to do much of anything these days. It's interesting because I feel that way most of the time when I am really down in the depression, but I haven't necessarily been down like that. I just don't want to do anything around my house, or anything out of the house most times either. We get invited to things with friends or family and I get excited at first, but then when it comes time to get ready, or prepare the food, I just don't want to do it. It's terrible!

But then when I don't get things done I feel worse. I feel terrible when Josh comes home from a long day at work to a dirty house. Then he feels that he needs to be doing more around the house, when it's really me that is slacking on my responsibilities as a homemaker. I don't want him to come home to anything but a loving family and yummy food. (And maybe taking out the trash every now and then :o) )

I used to be a great housekeeper until I had Lena. I don't know what changed. I mean, things are harder with two children as opposed to one, but a lot of other women get a lot more accomplished with a lot more children. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but it is extremely difficult not to, at least for me. I feel very small and inadequate a lot of the time. I am constantly worrying about whether or not to have more children. I worry that I am just being selfish, and that's why I'm not accomplishing anything that needs to be done. I don't know!

I feel like I might be a better mom to my children if I were to get out of the house and work or go to school or something. But then I feel guilty about even toying with the idea of leaving my children in someone else's care. I feel so selfish.

And on days that I do have motivation, it usually lasts for an hour or so and then dissipates. I feel that I am creative and have talent for some things and could be doing so much more. I feel like I'm wasting these precious years of my family's life by being lazy. Most of all, I feel like I am sleepwalking.

I look at all of you and see all of the things you are doing and the happiness that manifests through your posts. I know that we usually put up our happy face... I'm probably the queen of that... but I can't help but feel that I am just not cutting it.

I just can't seem to escape these feelings. I wish I were stronger! I will feel good for a little while and then slip right back into it. It is so disappointing every time I feel this way again. But when it comes down to it, I know this is something I am going to battle my whole life on this earth. I really should stop complaining about it. So many others have such bigger trials than I do. I really should feel grateful!

Well... I'll finish now. Sometimes I need to use this blog to vent my true feelings. I think it builds up for a while and then all comes tumbling out. Sorry! But do any of you go through times like this? What do you do to overcome it?