Thinking

This might be a long post. For those of you who read my blog, I will not be sad if you choose not to read it, or the whole thing. I want to start blogging more about my feelings instead of just events... even if just for my benefit.

I have been thinking the last few weeks about me. Haha, that sounds extremely arrogant! I have been thinking about the person that I am, and the person that I want to be, and how they compare. I have been thinking about the things I admire in others and how I can adopt those characteristics. I have also been reading "Glimpses", the book about Sister Hinckley. For those of you who have not read it, I highly recommend it. It is very inspiring, not just as an LDS book, but a book about a woman who was caring, thoughtful, comfortable, and compassionate. She is someone I think we can all look to as an example.

I have been thinking about the things in my life that I feel are crutches, things that I think I need to be happy. I find myself having thoughts like, "Oh, I'll feel so much better when we have a bigger house." "I will invite people over when I can get cuter decorations up in our home." "I would feel so much better about myself if I had some cuter, more updated clothes." etc. etc. While reading "Glimpses" and through my own pondering, I have come to realize that I want to be content with the person that I am. I want to embrace the talents that I do have, and accept the fact that I can't do everything. There are just some things that I do not have a knack for. And maybe someday I can learn some of those things, but there is a time and a season for everything. Sister Hinckley was so comfortable with herself. In the book it talks about a time when she had just finished giving a talk to an audience and Pres. Hinckley says something about her having them in the palm of her hand and how she was just herself. She laughed at him and said, "I didn't know who else to be." That was so profound to me. I spend too much time worrying about the things that I am not. I want to spend more time being the person that I am. And know that I am consistently trying to be better, but not worry about what others think.

I also want to be the type of person that helps others to feel loved. I do not want to have any ill thoughts or feelings toward anyone. And I want for every person that I am around to walk away feeling that I care for and love them. I want to have unconditional acceptance of and love for everyone. And part of that is becoming a better, more intent listener. I am not a very good listener.

I have also been facing the fact that I am clinically depressed. I have assumed that I was ever since I was about 16 and started showing the symptoms. But I have now been officially diagnosed. I am learning and coming to accept the fact that it is not anything I did wrong, or do wrong. This is something that is genetic and is not something that I can completely control. In the past, I have felt very weak, like I just wasn't strong enough to deal with life. And even now that I know more of what is going on, I still have a hard time not feeling that way. I tend to be very hard on myself. But I am grateful for the knowledge that I have gained. And I feel hopeful that I can now move forward and take steps to help me feel better.

Because of the chemical disorder and the way that the hormones affect my body I am coming to terms with the fact that we probably won't have any more children. It is very difficult on my body. Not physically. Physical pain, to me, is definitely worth having more children. But emotional pain is different. I do not believe it is worth it to have more children if I am not able to handle it emotionally. Pregnancy makes every woman's hormones go crazy. But for me, it takes a very long time to get them back to normal. During that time, life becomes so difficult that I can barely function most of the time. It has been very difficult for me to feel that I am a good LDS woman if I don't have a lot of children. That is something I have been trying to face and move past. I still have a long way to go. But I am forever grateful for the two beautiful, sweet children that I do have. And I am forever grateful for a supportive and loving husband. I think there are not many who would be strong enough to endure this, who would not feel the need to quit and walk away. He is everything I could ever want and need, and so much more.

I struggle with many feelings of inadequacy and weakness. I struggle with feeling that God loves me, or that anyone loves me at times. But in my heart, I cannot ever deny it. I know that I am loved. I am grateful for the basic foundation that I was raised with, and for the experiences that have strengthened my testimony of our Heavenly Father's love and the ability of our Savior to carry our burdens. Although I feel it is a simple testimony, I am grateful for the knowledge that I can build on it and become stronger in my conviction.

I have many things to work on to become the person that I would like to be. But it is nice having that vision in front of me, and to have a goal to work toward. I can't imagine what it would be like feeling that this life had no meaning, that we were not going anywhere. Isn't it wonderful to have the knowledge that we can continually progress?

Ok, I think I'm finished... for now. :o)