Motivation

I am going to go completely out of my comfort zone and talk about something that I feel very ashamed to talk about. I am having a very difficult time finding motivation to do much of anything these days. It's interesting because I feel that way most of the time when I am really down in the depression, but I haven't necessarily been down like that. I just don't want to do anything around my house, or anything out of the house most times either. We get invited to things with friends or family and I get excited at first, but then when it comes time to get ready, or prepare the food, I just don't want to do it. It's terrible!

But then when I don't get things done I feel worse. I feel terrible when Josh comes home from a long day at work to a dirty house. Then he feels that he needs to be doing more around the house, when it's really me that is slacking on my responsibilities as a homemaker. I don't want him to come home to anything but a loving family and yummy food. (And maybe taking out the trash every now and then :o) )

I used to be a great housekeeper until I had Lena. I don't know what changed. I mean, things are harder with two children as opposed to one, but a lot of other women get a lot more accomplished with a lot more children. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but it is extremely difficult not to, at least for me. I feel very small and inadequate a lot of the time. I am constantly worrying about whether or not to have more children. I worry that I am just being selfish, and that's why I'm not accomplishing anything that needs to be done. I don't know!

I feel like I might be a better mom to my children if I were to get out of the house and work or go to school or something. But then I feel guilty about even toying with the idea of leaving my children in someone else's care. I feel so selfish.

And on days that I do have motivation, it usually lasts for an hour or so and then dissipates. I feel that I am creative and have talent for some things and could be doing so much more. I feel like I'm wasting these precious years of my family's life by being lazy. Most of all, I feel like I am sleepwalking.

I look at all of you and see all of the things you are doing and the happiness that manifests through your posts. I know that we usually put up our happy face... I'm probably the queen of that... but I can't help but feel that I am just not cutting it.

I just can't seem to escape these feelings. I wish I were stronger! I will feel good for a little while and then slip right back into it. It is so disappointing every time I feel this way again. But when it comes down to it, I know this is something I am going to battle my whole life on this earth. I really should stop complaining about it. So many others have such bigger trials than I do. I really should feel grateful!

Well... I'll finish now. Sometimes I need to use this blog to vent my true feelings. I think it builds up for a while and then all comes tumbling out. Sorry! But do any of you go through times like this? What do you do to overcome it?

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Monday night was a pretty hard night for Asher. He woke up over a dozen times crying and fussing. I think he might have been too warm and it was causing him to have bad dreams. I am usually the one that wakes up with the kids but every now and then I am so tired that I don't even wake up. This was one of those nights so Josh was taking care of it. He finally went in and slept with Asher for a few hours.

Josh told me the next morning something that happened during the night. At one point Asher woke up really crying and having a hard time. Josh went in and asked him what was wrong and this is what Asher said,

"Jesus died for me."



Aren't children amazing?!?!

Update on the Kiddos-Lena

Ok, I've retyped this like four times and cannot figure out how to get it not to be huge, even on the smallest font setting. I've tried re-posting it three times. It won't work! Sorry it's so big!!

Miss Lena Lou
-Is 8 months
-Is getting around pretty well these days. Not quite crawling on hands and knees but getting there
-Loves to have her tongue sticking out
-Has her two bottom teeth
-Is very social and will smile at pretty much anyone
-But doesn't like to be left alone for too long
-Loves to be tickled
-Is a drama queen already and makes a big deal out of little things. She can already produce big crocodile tears a the drop of a hat.
-Loves to laugh and will sometimes laugh just by me looking at her
-Loves her big brother, even though he's not the nicest sometimes
-Is eating baby food and some soft foods from mommy's plate
-Is a great sleeper!
-Is losing her chubby thighs... but don't worry, her cheeks are still as chubby as ever
-Is quite the talker... and squealer... and screamer! I'm not kidding, it's loud! I don't quite know what to do about it because she's just so happy!
-Loves music
-Is finally growing hair in her bald spot on the back of her head
-Really only cries when she's tired or hurt
-Loves attention
-Loves mommy more than anyone! :o)
-And is pretty much the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Seriously! I sometimes can't believe it!

Update on the Kiddos-Asher

Asher Basher
-Quite the 2 1/2 yr. old
-Loves to help cook dinner, wash dishes, and vacuum
-Pretty good with picking up his toys and throwing away his garbage
-Also pretty good at throwing tantrums and hitting (We're working on that. I keep hearing it's the age but it's hard to not feel like I've ruined him.)
-Loves playhouse Disney
-LOVES reading books
-Is most interested in toys that make him think. He isn't really pulled to mindless toys
-LOVES daddy and won't let mommy do anything for him when daddy is home (which is a nice break for me sometimes)
-Has recently stopped liking saying prayers
-But loves family home evening and singing primary songs
-Likes to make up words. His current favorite is "deek-ee-deek." That is answer for pretty much anything. "What book do you want to read?" "What would you like for lunch?" etc.
-Loves to be tickled
-Loves drawing and is getting very deliberate with it as you can see from the picture below. That was all him. He started drawing and then said, "Look! A smiley face!" Don't mind the scary demon smile. That's the way he smiles when he says "cheese" right now.
-Can count to 15 or so.
-Knows most of the colors
-Knows most shapes, including crescent and semi-circles
-Sleeps in funny positions sometimes, as shown below
-Loves dinosaurs and is always acting like one
-Likes to tell stories about "huge big dinosaurs" coming to bite us
-And for being a toddler, is still very sweet and obedient and loving!

Dinner & Breakfast

Tuesday night dinner:

Tofu Burritos
Yes! This is my 2 1/2 year old son eating tofu!

These burritos are really good! It takes a little getting used to eating food without all the sodium to flavor it. But I am soon learning to use different spices that are better for us.

One of my new favorite breakfasts:
-Cream of Wheat with:
-wheat germ
-flax seed
-bee pollen
-protein powder
and
-fresh cut up bananas and strawberries!
-and sometimes a dash of soy milk to thin it a little
-and, of course, water!!

Asher also asked for fresh blueberries in his this morning

Clean Eating

Last year, while in dental assisting school, I was made aware of a diet called the Eat Clean Diet. A woman I was in school with told me about a woman named Tosca Reno and about her books. I feel that I have been receiving promptings about changing our eating habits for the last few years, but haven't done much about it yet. I didn't know very much and the task seemed so daunting to me. Until I read these books.

I bought Tosca's basic book, "The Eat-Clean Diet" and began reading. I read it very quickly and then checked her recipe books out from the library. I started implementing the diet last summer while pregnant with Lena. We immediately felt a difference in our energy. Let me pause and make a note that this is not a diet, it is a lifestyle.

I now own five of Tosca's books and have become obsessed with reading them. She is not the first to put this idea out there. It has been around for years and years, but Tosca has found a way to make it easier to understand and to implement. As I read her books, everything seemed so right and natural. The basic theory is to eat the food God gave us in the way that He gave it to us, and in proper portion sizes. She talks a lot about the way society is going and is a big advocate for getting rid of everything processed.

Josh and I are ALWAYS tired! At the end of the day we don't feel the energy to do anything. And we don't even eat that poorly compared to most of the nation. But our bodies just can't handle all the processed junk anymore. Tosca talks about having more energy than you know what to do with. Another note, this is not a restricted calorie diet. Tosca is not an advocate for counting calories.

The reason I am writing this post is because I have decided that we are going to dive head first into Clean Eating. I am going to hold myself accountable by posting what we are eating and how we are feeling. This will be more for me than you. But if you'd like to know more about it I would be happy to tell you more!

We did some spring cleaning this last weekend and are getting rid of everything in our cabinets that is not "Clean." Here is what we found:



If you can't tell, above is white and brown sugar. Below is white rice and white flour.
Pretty gross, huh?

And here is something I am super excited about! With part of our tax return we purchased this:
A Blendtec blender!! This will help a ton in making clean foods. Especially since everything is made from scratch, pretty much, and there is a lot of cutting of vegetables. This baby can do blend pretty much anything! Really! On their site they show it blending golf balls and iPhones. This will help with cutting up veggies, making soups, smoothies and green drinks, batters, and more!

Now I need to get shopping...