Time for an Update

Well, for those of you who don't know, Asher and I are back at home. And life is better than it has been in a long time. Josh and I attended a marriage seminar through BYU up at Aspen Grove over Valentine's weekend. (We would highly recommend every couple attending at least once, by the way!) We felt that we received very wise and inspirational counsel. That weekend I went home feeling uplifted, but still unsure. To make a long story short, as I was on my knees praying, I realized that everything could be worked out. I realized that I desperately wanted to keep this family together and that I needed to turn my burden over to the Lord. I also realized that I probably was not receiving the guidance that I was seeking because I was not putting forth any faith in my Father. I thought what better way to show my faith than to go home, even though I didn't know how everything would be resolved. I also realized that I wasn't really making the decision to want to stay in this marriage, but was making the decision to live up to a decision I already made when choosing to get married, if that makes sense.

I very personally feel that Father jumped at that opportunity to help me. I texted Josh, because he was at Church, and said that I wanted to come home that second. We moved me back in that day. Josh welcomed me home with open arms.

I am not going to say that everything will be great from here on out. I have already had a couple days of doubt and wonder. But it feels so different than before. If I can prove my faith by praying and asking for His help, He is always there, and I have to continue to remind myself that I gave the Lord this burden and that He will help me. It has been such a needed change. And all I had to do was exert the tiniest amount of faith. Although I feel that every circumstance is different, this is what was right for me. I truly have an above averagely wonderful husband and I couldn't ask for more in my eternal companion.

Not everything is fixed. I am going to therapy sessions and taking natural hormone supplements. But the difference that the Gospel brought me was indescribable! I don't know how I let myself slip so far away from it. I am so grateful for the opportunity Father gave me to come closer to Him. So far, this experience has strengthened my testimony greatly in the Atonement and in faith.

I just wanted to share my experience.

Thank you all so much for your love and support and prayers. We really have such wonderful family and friends! For the first time in a long time I feel excitement for the future, for this new baby, for our family, and to work to be with them throughout eternity. I can't imagine anything better!

Decision

This post is to let all of you know that Josh and I have come to a decision. Because things have been so difficult as of late, we have decided, after much pondering and discussion, for Asher and me to move out temporarily. We will be living with my parents in North Provo. I am putting this on here because I want to be honest and open with all of our family and friends.

Although Josh doesn't want this to happen, he is willing to do whatever I feel will help me to be happiest. I have thought about this a lot and for a long period of time. I am going to dismiss my worry about what others are going to think, and go with what I feel in my heart is the right thing for me right now. I feel that having some time away from home will help me to gain perspective on where I am at in life, and why I have been feeling unhappy. I feel that it will give me some time on my own to change some things that I want to change, without the added stress of having to keep up a home and the constant worry of how everything I am doing will affect Josh. It's not that I don't care about how things affect him, but I have worried to the point where I have neglected myself.

I want to set the record straight by saying that Josh is a wonderful person, and although he is humble enough to feel that he has had a part in this, I feel that it is simply because of me not keeping myself emotional and psychologically healthy.

For those of you that I have talked to in depth about this, I sincerely appreciate the time you have taken to listen and the advice given and would like each of you to know that I am taking that advice to heart and using it daily. We are taking numerous steps to correct what has gone neglected. To those of you in our ward who check this, I will be attending my parents ward since I will be in that area. And most likely Josh will switch his records to the local family ward. We love each of you and hope to see you soon.

I appreciate the love and support we feel from each of you and will keep you updated on what is going on in our lives. Again, I simply feel that this is the best thing for me right now. Thanks to each of you for everything you do for us!