Hectic

For those of you who don't know, I am currently in classes to become a Dental Assistant. I am also trying to finish up my Associates degree before our little girl comes, and taking three classes at UVU; Biology, Physical Science, and Health.
It's been a little crazy!

I wanted to get the Dental Assisting finished by the time the baby came and didn't want to be in classes close to my due date so I decided to start the program while still taking my other classes. It probably wouldn't be as crazy if I didn't have an 18-month old, who has recently decided to show some real independence by the way :oI, and if I wasn't pregnant. It's been killer!! Yay for trying to have more ambition! :o)

Anyway, this post is to say that I haven't been posting very often because I am constantly working on homework. Asher is to the point where he cries when I get on the computer because I don't pay attention to him very well. So I have taken to waking up around 4-4:30 in the morning to get homework done before he wakes up and then working on homework while he's taking a nap. All my finals, including the one for Dental Assisting, are April 27-May 2, so I am looking forward to this month being over. I'll be a better poster then. Don't give up on me! :o)

Guess What!!!!

IT'S A.....

GIRL!!!!!!

Aww! I love the profile pics! So cute!
Yay! We're so excited!



Except now we're gonna have to get all new stuff. :oI

Time for an Update

Well, for those of you who don't know, Asher and I are back at home. And life is better than it has been in a long time. Josh and I attended a marriage seminar through BYU up at Aspen Grove over Valentine's weekend. (We would highly recommend every couple attending at least once, by the way!) We felt that we received very wise and inspirational counsel. That weekend I went home feeling uplifted, but still unsure. To make a long story short, as I was on my knees praying, I realized that everything could be worked out. I realized that I desperately wanted to keep this family together and that I needed to turn my burden over to the Lord. I also realized that I probably was not receiving the guidance that I was seeking because I was not putting forth any faith in my Father. I thought what better way to show my faith than to go home, even though I didn't know how everything would be resolved. I also realized that I wasn't really making the decision to want to stay in this marriage, but was making the decision to live up to a decision I already made when choosing to get married, if that makes sense.

I very personally feel that Father jumped at that opportunity to help me. I texted Josh, because he was at Church, and said that I wanted to come home that second. We moved me back in that day. Josh welcomed me home with open arms.

I am not going to say that everything will be great from here on out. I have already had a couple days of doubt and wonder. But it feels so different than before. If I can prove my faith by praying and asking for His help, He is always there, and I have to continue to remind myself that I gave the Lord this burden and that He will help me. It has been such a needed change. And all I had to do was exert the tiniest amount of faith. Although I feel that every circumstance is different, this is what was right for me. I truly have an above averagely wonderful husband and I couldn't ask for more in my eternal companion.

Not everything is fixed. I am going to therapy sessions and taking natural hormone supplements. But the difference that the Gospel brought me was indescribable! I don't know how I let myself slip so far away from it. I am so grateful for the opportunity Father gave me to come closer to Him. So far, this experience has strengthened my testimony greatly in the Atonement and in faith.

I just wanted to share my experience.

Thank you all so much for your love and support and prayers. We really have such wonderful family and friends! For the first time in a long time I feel excitement for the future, for this new baby, for our family, and to work to be with them throughout eternity. I can't imagine anything better!

Decision

This post is to let all of you know that Josh and I have come to a decision. Because things have been so difficult as of late, we have decided, after much pondering and discussion, for Asher and me to move out temporarily. We will be living with my parents in North Provo. I am putting this on here because I want to be honest and open with all of our family and friends.

Although Josh doesn't want this to happen, he is willing to do whatever I feel will help me to be happiest. I have thought about this a lot and for a long period of time. I am going to dismiss my worry about what others are going to think, and go with what I feel in my heart is the right thing for me right now. I feel that having some time away from home will help me to gain perspective on where I am at in life, and why I have been feeling unhappy. I feel that it will give me some time on my own to change some things that I want to change, without the added stress of having to keep up a home and the constant worry of how everything I am doing will affect Josh. It's not that I don't care about how things affect him, but I have worried to the point where I have neglected myself.

I want to set the record straight by saying that Josh is a wonderful person, and although he is humble enough to feel that he has had a part in this, I feel that it is simply because of me not keeping myself emotional and psychologically healthy.

For those of you that I have talked to in depth about this, I sincerely appreciate the time you have taken to listen and the advice given and would like each of you to know that I am taking that advice to heart and using it daily. We are taking numerous steps to correct what has gone neglected. To those of you in our ward who check this, I will be attending my parents ward since I will be in that area. And most likely Josh will switch his records to the local family ward. We love each of you and hope to see you soon.

I appreciate the love and support we feel from each of you and will keep you updated on what is going on in our lives. Again, I simply feel that this is the best thing for me right now. Thanks to each of you for everything you do for us!

Honesty

I always complain that women in the LDS Church do not communicate their true feelings. I feel like a lot goes unsaid, and a lot of women silently suffer because they feel that they should be acting a certain way. It is ironic that I am one of those women. I tend to bottle up my feelings and put on a brave face for others around me, most of the time. I let my true feelings show to a certain few people. And to those people, I apologize, because when I need to vent it all comes out on them.

In an effort to be more open, I am going to go out of my comfort zone to express some of the feelings that I keep bottled inside. You do not have to keep reading.  :o)

I have battled with depression every since I was about 16. It comes and goes. I am also a people-pleaser and because of that I feel a lot of guilt because of things I did, or did not do. I have been having a hard time with life ever since Asher was a few months old, battling with my emotional health, and feeling like I don't know who I am anymore. I know that a lot of mothers go through this, at least that's what I keep hearing. But it doesn't take away from the fact that it is miserable and lonely! I go back and forth quite a bit, feeling happy, then feeling hopeless. It is difficult on Josh, too. And there's the guilt again, feeling horrible for putting him through this. And through it all, I have a really hard time feeling like I have any faith anymore.  I find myself doing a lot of questioning of my beliefs. I feel conflicted between what I have been taught to feel and what I really do feel.

And I worry! Mostly about what this is doing to my marriage, and the example I am setting for Asher. I desperately want to change before Asher can learn from this terrible example. I do not want him to learn these tendencies and habits. And add to that another child. I feel bad that sometimes this pregnancy makes me feel trapped, like there's not hope for me to come out of this, especially after the life of having two children will set in.

After dealing with this for a year, Josh and I are finally realizing that we need to do something about it. We are taking steps to get me into therapy and to nurture our marriage a little more. It is difficult because when it's good, it's fine. But when it's bad, it's horrible, consuming to the point where I can't imagine it ever getting better and I just want to run away so that I do not drag Josh through this. There is so much more... but for those of you who are reading this, I'll stop now.

For those of you who do feel, or ever have felt, like this, I would say that you're not alone. And for those of you who think I'm nuts and don't understand what I am feeling at all, I admire you and hope that things will stay the same for you. If I can ask for your prayers... we would really appreciate it. The Terry family is finding itself in a difficult place right now. Hopefully, if we can exert enough faith, it will get better. It is just summoning that faith that is very difficult for me sometimes. I feel very alone most of the time. Anyway... I apologize that this is so depressing. I just thought it might be nice to get some of this out so that I do not have to pretend all the time. It's exhausting!

Another Addition

Well, most of you already know but we just had our first appointment so it's time to let the cat out of the bag...

I'm pregnant! :o)

I am 11 weeks and 2 days. This is what our baby looks like at this stage in the pregnancy. (It's not really our baby)

PS I'm due August 8th... Yeah, I know, it's gonna be a GREAT summer! :o)